no baby this time

When you find out you're pregnant, it's meant to be filled with happiness and expectation. You imagine what your little baby will look like, whether s/he will be different from the first and what their little life will bring. The dreams of what will be are so exciting.

Well, that's how I felt around 8 weeks ago when, feeling slightly queasy, I made an appointment with the doctor. I skipped home with excitement as the results were all positive and couldn't wait to tell Steve.

We had decided not to tell a soul until all was well and so it was at the standard 12 week ultrasound that we were anticipating the most. We even discussed whether we would find out the sex of the baby and share it with our girls.

Then the worst thing happened. We were told that they could not detect a heartbeat. All I saw was an empty sac. No baby inside.

What eventuated was a very harrowing 24 hours with a very nasty miscarriage, loss of blood, and labour pains that were not going to result in anything like a baby.

It's been an emotional time and will take a lifetime to get over. It makes me scared to death about the possibilities of getting pregnant again and something I may even fear in the future.

For now, I miss the dream, the reality and I just having life inside of me.