Saturday, November 03, 2007

no baby this time

When you find out you're pregnant, it's meant to be filled with happiness and expectation. You imagine what your little baby will look like, whether s/he will be different from the first and what their little life will bring. The dreams of What Will Be are so exciting.

Well, that's how I felt nine weeks ago when, feeling slightly queasy, I made an appointment with the doctor. I skipped home with excitement as the results were all positive and couldn't wait to tell my darling hubby.

We had decided not to tell a soul until all was well, and so it was the 12 week ultrasound that we were anticipating the most. We even discussed whether we would find out the sex of the baby and share it with our girls.

Then the worst thing happened. At the ultrasound we were told that they could not detect a heartbeat. All I saw was an empty sac. No baby inside.

What eventuated was a very harrowing 24 hours with a very nasty miscarriage, massive loss of blood, a hospital stay and labour pains that were not going to result in a cherub I could hold and take care of.

It's been an emotional time and will take a lifetime to get over. It makes me scared to death about the possibilities of getting pregnant again, even if I can, and something I may even fear in the future.

For now, I miss the dreaming, the anticipation, the reality of holding a baby in my arms, and having life inside of me.