Tuesday, August 24, 2010

16th silly thing | too many to count


I confess my daily blogs have been sporadic of late.

Perhaps I'm getting lazy with my daily posts, perhaps I just can't seem to focus on just one silly thing. Or perhaps I'm just too ashamed to share all the silly things I do.

The past few days, there has been a large share of discipline in my home. I know, it's not nice to admit but that's the way it's been. There's been too much misbehaviour for me to overlook.

Perhaps I'm not 'choosing' my fights with the kids. Or perhaps they're just getting on my nerves. Either way I hate telling my kids off. Because I'm an optimist.

If I had it my way, it would be good times 24/7.

Everyday would be a fun adventure and the boys would love, love, love me. And never take for granted all the good things I do for them. Of course, It would be so easy to love them unconditionally because they would always be perfectly behaved.

But I'm dreaming, and I know it.

The clinch came on Saturday when asking the boys to stop screaming for the one hundredth time. Now, usually I'm a 'three strikes and your out' girl. I am onto it. But I was tired of the naughty spot and tired of being the constant killjoy. So I held by breath and just let them scream. And scream.

By the time my ears were ringing, I thought they're actually not going to stop unless I ask them to. And it's been long enough. I could feel the rage brewing in my stomach up through my throat.

I asked nicely. Then waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I could feel the steam brewing around my ears and thought that I was best not to wait any longer until this was resolved.

And when my son finally stopped screaming, he looked at me and said, "Mummy, I don't want to be in trouble all the time."

His big brown eyes brimmed with tears and I saw the pain in his expression. His lip even quivered.

And it made me just want to cry. Why, oh why do I have to be the bad mummy all the time? Why can't he see that some things will give him time out? Why can't he just stop without me having to tell him? Why can't he just do as he's told?

This is the hard part of parenting. The bit I wish I didn't have to do.

The rest of the day was spent me re-analysing all my parenthood qualities or lack thereof. I went through days of past activities and the paths where they led. Should I just let more things go? I am a control freak? Should I try another approach? Could I have resolved things differently?

At the end of a tearful day, I realised that I can't change the past, and have no choice but to carry on. Think more before I react. And be the best mother I can be.

I know I miss the mark on a regular basis. But I'm doing my best. And that is the most I can ever do.